Posted by: Nicky | September 14, 2008

bugcrush

I killed a cockroach today.

Mikaela was the first one to see it. We’d been eating breakfast when it ran across the kitchen floor. She started screaming, and then the other two lost it as well. Without thinking, I stepped on it and crushed it. I didn’t even have any shoes on. The crunchy body had squished between my toes, and it felt almost like standing on glass for a moment – the brittle shell sticking into my flesh. It must have been two or three minutes before I lifted my foot off of it.

It’s insides had left a shiny stain on the tiles, and even though it wiped off quite easily, I knew it would probably be some time before I could step on that tile again without thinking about it. I went to the bathroom to wash my feet, and, as I scrubbed my toes in the sink, I realised I had started crying.

I didn’t let it all out. I didn’t sob, or gasp. I just continued to wash my skin, and let the tears roll down my cheeks as I did so.

After a while, I emerged from the bathroom with clean feet. Mikaela ran up to me and I picked her up and held her, just like I used to when she was little. Dylan came up from behind me and hugged me around my waist, and when I found Allie hiding in her room I tickled her mercilessly until she had completely forgotten about the fearsome cockroach.

I’m not sure it will be so easy for me to forget, but at least it’s dead now. Danie was working in his office, and I brought him in a cup of tea, sat down on his lap and kissed him on the mouth with every inch of my being. When we finally separated, I left him with his cold tea, and went back to my room to write this. I’m not sure whether or not I caught a look in his eye as I left the room, but even if there was one there I can’t hold it against him. In time, that look with fade, and eventually I won’t see it anymore.

I’m not sure what I’ll do this afternoon. I might go for a jog, or I might even see a movie with Suellen. Then again, maybe I’ll just stay in with the family… we can look for more cockroaches…

Nicky x

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