Posted by: Nicky | September 10, 2008

The Three Faces of Nicky

To be a mother is unlike any other role in the world. It takes love… unmeasurable love… but that is an easy thing to come by. Not so easy is patience. Strength also. Once a child sees their mother as weak they won’t be able to look at them in the same way ever again. I fear that, after the past few weeks, I may be able to see a change in my children’s eyes when they look at me… a look of bewilderment perhaps, or, even worse, understanding. To have a child afraid of their mother is one thing. To have a child afraid for their mother is something much worse. The child should not have to worry about the mother. That’s her job. And it’s a job that she does willingly. Motherhood takes absolute devotion, but it’s a devotion that comes naturally. A devotion to marriage is something much different.

I love my husband very much. If I had my time again, I would not hesitate to take the same oath and make the same bond that we did 17 years ago. But a commitment to a spouse is completely different to a child. It is hard. I feel myself constantly having to work to be a good wife… to say and do things that do not come naturally to me because I know that they are the right things to say. I constantly find myself checking my words and actions so that I don’t say or do anything that could damage our relationship… I’ve also hated him before. This by itself is completely different to motherhood – I could never hate my children… not ever. But there have been times when I have hated against Danie, and I’ve felt awful about it later but it happened all the same. I hope this isn’t just me. I can’t believe that other couples might find marriage so easy – like they do in the movies. I’ve never experienced that.

What about me? I’m not really sure how to answer that. To be a wife, to be a mother – you have responsibility. I made these decisions for myself, and I wouldn’t take them back even if I could, but is it selfish to want more? I hate to talk like that, because I know I have it good… too good… I know it’s not fair to ask for more. My friend’s daughter is 23. She has just finished University and has been offered a position in the Sydney Symphony Orchestra. Last year she spent 7 months overseas in Europe with her best friend from high school. When I was 23 I was in my third year of marriage. The only other country I’d known was my homeland, and I left my best friend behind when we moved here. I haven’t spoken to her in 18 years. I never did get to finish my degree either. So how do you I go about finding myself now? How am I supposed to answer that question without calling myself by the two biggest roles I play in life? You know what, I shouldn’t have to, and what’s more, I shouldn’t be asked to. Particularly not by someone who has only known me for the last ten days. Not everyone is an individual… Not everyone has to live for themselves. Some of us want to live for others!

I think I could be one of those people.

Sincerely,

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Responses

  1. your post got me thinking! I just thought of saying hi and not leave any comment, but here goes:

    with the two important roles I have now, there’s still a need for me to be my own person. Maybe this is to show that I am capable of doing other things, maybe I want a recognition–not just a mother or a wife of… -I don”t know. Much as I love my daughter and my husband, I need to go out there and do something else. I have unfulfilled dreams and time is ticking. I want to do something about it.

    Take care.


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