Posted by: Nicky | September 8, 2008

Had we but world enough, and time

I woke up as myself today. I still felt quite groggy, but it was a real feeling, and any of those, even unpleasant ones, are most welcome at the moment.

There has been a giddiness to my thoughts of late… a light-headedness that started off quite pleasant and then became too strange to enjoy any longer. I’d begun to miss the sorer emotions.

I saw the children today. They all came up and sat on the bed while I had breakfast. Allison and Mikaela buried themselves in my side and sat by me the whole time, but Dylan stayed at the foot of the bed while I ate. That hurt a lot.

It felt strange to see them again – to hold them. It is different somehow. They no longer fit into my body like they used to, and I feel as though I am only hugging their person; just the physical part of them. I touch their skin like it’s a material – a fabric that I am not familiar with. I don’t think it will always be like this, but I suppose I can’t be certain.

I was determined to stay strong while they were there, and was proud of myself when I was able to. Danie looked awful. His eyes were very dark and his face was unshaven. I think perhaps he needs a new razor… Before he left he sent the kids out into the corridor and sat down on the bed with me. He held my face tightly and looked into my eyes. He told me he didn’t understand, but I wasn’t sure what that meant, so I didn’t say anything back. He tried to kiss me on the lips, but I could smell that he hadn’t cleaned his teeth so I pulled back. He left the room then, I thought to go and brush his teeth, but when he didn’t return after a few minutes I knew that wasn’t it.

My arms are sore from holding my girls. When you are locked in an embrace for some time your muscles begin to ache after a while, and I can feel it in my shoulders too now. I’ll have to ask them to be more careful next time they come.

Nicky

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