Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore. The little people are singing but I can’t hear them – far, far down the brick road.

I want to find the Emerald City. I want to click my ruby slippers and say ‘there’s no place like home’. I want to go back to Auntie Em and the farm and my life.

Why then oh why can’t I?

The Man came. He looked different today – darker.

It was as if I hadn’t had enough sleep, though I know that’s not the case. The edges of my vision were blurred, and voices from outside only just brushed my senses – Tintinnabuli.

We met in the centre…if not the centre, then just slightly off it. To my side.

I looked up at the light above me. We began to sink. We are sinking. The light above is fading. We will continue to sink.

I can’t hear the voices anymore. It is just quiet. Me and The Man.

He holds me. I let him.

My man arrived home today. He looked at me mighty funny like and told me I looked different. I said he’d been gone quite some time, and things are bound to change when you leave the clock tickin like that. He frowned.

I smiled.

The kids got back today. I picked up Dylan and Allie this afternoon and the Bartletts just dropped Mikaela back. They were all very pleased to be home and had many stories to tell. I’ve only just now been able to get away after sitting them all down in front of a movie.

I went to visit my sister yesterday. She and her husband have a small apartment together. It was so nice to see her again, and although the place was very humid – I kept getting hot flushes and headaches – she seems to be living very happily. I am not sure what to think of her husband. This was the first time we have met, and he came off rather rude at first… He wouldn’t even get up to greet me. She seems to adore him, and I can see why… Although I did sense some tension there at certain points during the day.

Stephie has been worried about me. She said that this visit confirmed it, and at one point when I was in the bathroom cooling down they both had a talk in the other room… I’m sure it was about me.

In the end, they sent me away in a taxi. It was an enchanted experience.

Nicky xx

My mother called again today. It’s not so much that she seeks to bring me down, but in her half-hearted encouragement and sarcastic sympathy she effectively does so.

‘I feel for you Nicky, I really do, but if you’re going to be alone this week you may as well make something of it. You can’t just sit around feeling sorry for yourself the whole time.’

I spent the last five minutes of the conversation trying to end it. Eventually, when I managed to get off the phone, she went and took a long shower. The hot water was just what I needed, and as she stepped out of the shower I felt refreshed: a new person.

A man came. A strong man. We shared a drink but then parted ways. It was better that way, for her and for him. Sometime later we met again, and after talking, she agreed to look after his daughter while he went away. She was a beautiful girl, with dark hair and small hands, and although she was unhappy when her father left, she warmed to me, and in time we became close.

He returned for her. He proposed that we share a dinner together, the three of us, but I didn’t accept. It was a lovely day. It was enough.

Nicky

I woke up today.

For no reason at all, I dressed up in my finest white dress and my great-grandmother’s pearls. The trim swished around my calves as I walked, and I looked rather picturesque walking out the doorway, the dress the last thing to disappear from my view.

Sunlight dotted in through the window onto our marble floor as my heels clicked across it elegantly. Then we were outside. I was looking up at the sun, the brilliant light that shone down on me. I was looking up…it was the nearest thing to heaven! You were there…

Danie came at me from behind, pulling my hair over my ear to kiss me before lifting me gently off the ground. Then he had to leave again, and we met again some time later. I didn’t stand to meet him – it didn’t matter. We were together.

I know I’m happy when I don’t want to be anywhere else but where I am.

I think I’ll stay here for a while.

Nicky

They’re all gone.

Mikaela left at nine thirty this morning. Danie flew out on Saturday and I dropped Dylan and Allie at school on Sunday morning.

When Suellen and Michael arrived to pick up Mikaela I was in a state. I’d gotten dressed properly of course, but had forgotten to put my makeup on. I had been debating whether to tell them that I would just keep her at home, but they had already booked the flights and it wouldn’t have been fair on them or her.
When they left I went upstairs and got back into bed. I woke up around 2pm and got up and closed the curtains in the room and then got back into bed, which is where I’m writing this now on my laptop.

I feel dull. If this is what every day is going to be like while they’re away I’m not sure how I’m going to stand it. I should get up and make myself some dinner.

Nicky

I am so mad!

Danie got home from work tonight and told me that he has to go to London tomorrow for a week to meet with clients. I am so angry I could cry! We had organised this time for ourselves to spend together as a couple and now I will be spending a week alone without my husband or my children… I don’t think I have ever been this furious before in my life! He knew what this meant to me, and I’m sure he could have told them he couldn’t go but he didn’t and now I am going to be alone at home by myself for a week. Thank god the kids were in bed when he got home because I’m not sure I would have been able to keep my cool in front of them. As it was I nearly broke my coffee cup by slamming it down on the counter – it now has a hairline crack on the rim – and it was all I could do to not yell a curse at him.

I can’t even comprehend next week at the moment. I had mentally prepared to send the kids away because I knew Danie and I would be together instead, but now that he is not going to be here I have no idea what I am going to do.

I know now what they mean when they say ‘I’m so mad, I can’t even see straight’. I could kill him.

My children are leaving me!

I can’t believe it. The dreaded date I had been ignoring has finally come around and I am not ready for it one bit. Dylan has decided he wants to move out of home, and Allison is going with him. They’re moving into a flat together in Balmain.

Okay, so it’s not quite that serious. I might be a little more worried if my 10 and 7 year olds were moving out of home already… No, Dylan and Allie have school camp next week, which means they are going to be away from me for five and a half days!!! What’s more, Danie has organised for our friends Suellen and Michael to take Mikaela with them to Noosa next week (their daughter Chloe is best friends with Mikaela). Danie has said it is going to be a great chance for us to spend some time together with just the two of us… I must admit, it has been a long time since we’ve been able to enjoy one another’s company without having to worry about putting children to bed or organising lifts and babysitters (which I don’t like to do anyway) and tears and tantrums. It will be nice to be just the two of us, although I can’t comprehend not seeing my three for a whole week! The longest I’ve gone is when Allison went to gymnastics trials last year in Canberra and Danie took her for the weekend – even then I still had Dylan and Mikaela to fawn over… oh well, it will be good for us I suppose.

The kids are very excited. We’ve done the big list for Allie and Dylan; packing their sleeping bags and shopping for plastic cutlery and Tupperware… Dylan was sure he needed a head-torch (a sort of lamp that you can attach to your head like a miner) for camp because all his friends had them so we ended up having to buy one of those (after much embarrassing debate in the hiking store).

Mikaela is also super excited, which upsets me a little bit because I though she would be more worried about spending time away from me than she is. We’ve only ever spent one night apart in her lifetime and that was when she was six months and I had to go into hospital with an infection and ended up spending the night. I’m sure she’ll get homesick once she’s over there though (she better!!). We’ve been packing her little swimming costumes (apparently the weather is much warmer in Noosa…even so, I’ll be having a word to Suellen about it before they leave. I don’t want her coming back with a cold.) Mikaela had a little tantrum yesterday when we couldn’t find her Little Mermaid bucket and spade set. I told her we’d buy a new one tomorrow, but that clearly didn’t suffice as I ended up following a trail of dirt up to her bedroom where she’d dragged our big garden spade and a bucket from the laundry and placed them not-so-delicately on her suitcase. Kids do the darndest things.

I suppose I should look on the bright side. Even though my babies will be gone, I’ll be spending some much needed time with my darling husband, so I’m sure the days will just fly by!

Nicky xx

What a weekend!

Dylan had soccer on Saturday morning and we bundled up the whole family and headed out to Collaroy to stand in the rain for an hour and a half and watch boys twice his size score goal after goal against his team. To make matters worse, Dylan twisted his ankle in the mud and had to come off before the end of the game. The coach said it would be fine but it looks quite swollen to me. I’ve been trying to get him to put Arnica on it but he keeps pushing me away… To further complicate things, Mikaela threw up in the back seat on the way back from Collaroy and we had to pull over in the pouring rain and try to clean it up as best we could with the leftover serviettes from Danie’s coffee. We had spaghetti and meatballs for dinner and went to bed early. Danie was very tired and fell asleep almost immediately, but I lay awake for quite some time staring at the ceiling. There is a crack in the plaster where the overhead fan is, and I could swear it is getting bigger every time I look at it. I hope it’s not anything serious. I must remember to ask Danie to look at it tomorrow.

Sunday was much less uneventful. Mikaela had a birthday party at her friends house, and because of the rain it had to be held inside which meant all the kids were bouncing off the walls with claustrophobia and sugar, which continued on when they got home. Danie took Dylan to the movies for a boys day out to try and take his mind off his ankle. They went to see ‘Wall-E’… I’m not sure whether they liked it or not. Allison and I stayed at home but she isn’t talking to me at the moment because I wouldn’t let her stay at her friend’s house last night. Danie put the kids to bed early and then had to go to the office to do some work. I stayed up and watched a featurette on Italian Painters. It was very interesting. I thought I might adopt an idea I saw on another blog (thanks Kimberly) and add a ‘picture thought’ to my post. All the best!

Nicky x